People who were once dismissive avoidant attachments but have now transformed into secure attachments
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1
Female 24 years old
How did you discover that you were dismissively avoidantly attached?
About two years ago. After going through a relationship and reflecting on myself, I realised that I was exhibiting dismissive avoidant attachment, went to see a psychologist and then discovered the root of my problem.
So what is the root of your problem?
It was a not-so-good thing I experienced as a child, and the fact that I had too low a self-esteem. My family of origin had very high expectations of me and hardly ever gave me compliments.
Have you tried to make any changes? What has worked?
Went to a psychiatrist twice during this process and the rest was self-healing as well as self-adjustment. My therapist told me that the most important thing about a psychological problem is that you have to be aware of it and face it head on. I found out that the cause of my avoidant attachment was my family of origin and had a deep conversation with my parents about it, which unlocked a lot of knots in my mind.
And after I found out that I actually had low self-esteem, I exercised to get in shape, and then developed some cute little habits to learn to love myself.
The result is that I now finally feel normal intimacy and am willing to trust and rely on others. Thanks to my boyfriend, he is very mature and we give each other full freedom and trust, and we communicate in a timely manner to find solutions to problems.
Sometimes we subconsciously avoid certain behaviours, how do you cope with them?
You need to think about what those things are that others can interfere with and need to draw a line in your mind when you are calm and thinking like a normal person. Whenever you feel like avoiding something, compare it to this line. Over time, this will form a reflex and a psychological implication, and you will not subconsciously avoid many things or even feel that you are cared for.
2
Female 26 years old
How did you discover that you have a dismissive and avoidant attachment style?
It was after graduating from university that I met a group of friends by chance and after meeting them, I learnt to be honest with my feelings and to treat the people I love with honesty. It was only after this that I realised that there was something wrong with the way I had approached intimacy.
I am independent and lack the desire to share and hate any form of bondage. Each of my previous relationships involved me being interested in the other person, both male and female, and then once the relationship was confirmed, I started to 'cool it', demanded personal space, didn't want to show intimacy, and then when they gave me feedback about it, I didn't bother to communicate and explain, and then thought I'd stop wasting their time and broke it off.
And have you found any reasons why you have become a dismissive avoidant attachment style?
I don't like to always focus on the reasons, I feel that even if I am told again about the wounds I have suffered in the past, so what? I'm mostly trying to change myself, my past doesn't define me, and I profoundly believe I have the courage to be happy too!
Have you tried to make any changes? What have been the results?
The first thing is to have the will to change yourself. Specifically, I read some psychology books on my own, plus I did a deep-dive analysis of myself and considered very honestly what kind of life I really wanted and what kind of people I wanted to surround myself with. Then I came to the conclusion that I wanted a sincere, loving, respectful and supportive intimate relationship. I will try to change in that direction, because I believe that if I don't become a sincere and warm person, it will be difficult for me to meet people who are sincere and warm to me.
I think as long as you realise that your 'avoidance' or any kind of state is negatively affecting your happiness in life, as long as you want to change, go to see a counsellor if you should, read books to adjust, communicate with people to solve problems if you want to, take it step by step, don't force yourself too much, as long as the pace of change is comfortable for you and effective for As long as the pace of change is comfortable and effective for you, you will be fine!
The result is that I am now able to have a long-term stable relationship, and I am able to gain a sense of happiness and satisfaction from it.
What do you do to maintain your current long-term stable intimate relationship?
The focus is on communication, right, communicating with each other, expressing your needs, and then communicating in time if there are changes. But communication must be based on an equal relationship, treating the needs of both parties equally. Don't think that because you are a dismissive avoidant attachment personality that there is something wrong with you and that others should be accommodating. Then if you encounter a problem that makes you uncomfortable, communicate the problem, not the emotion.
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