Part 4
Horizontal relationships
How does the separation of subjects have to be articulated with good relationships? What can be done to introduce a coordinated and collaborative relationship? Here, the concept of "horizontal relationships" is introduced.
Education against reward and punishment, no praise and no blame. This is the position of Adlerian psychology. Whether we praise or reprimand is just a difference between "sugar or a whip", the aim is to manipulate. Adlerian psychology strongly rejects reward and punishment education precisely because it is a way of manipulating children.
We say "thank you" to a partner who helps us, or we say "I'm glad" as a frank expression of joy, or "thanks for your help", etc. This is a form of encouragement based on a horizontal relationship.
Above all, it is important not to "judge" others. Words of judgement come from a vertical relationship. If they are constructed in a horizontal relationship, the words should be more honest words of thanks, respect or joy.
When one hears words of appreciation, one understands that one has contributed to others. Encouragement in horizontal relationships - sense of contribution
Sense of Contribution - Self-worth - Courage
"People, only have courage when they feel they are worthy."
One can feel worthy when one feels that I am useful to the community.
Do not think of yourself on the level of 'action', but accept yourself on the level of 'being' first. For example, if your mother is terminally ill, even if there is nothing you can do about it, the mere fact that you are alive is enough to be of use to you or your family.
In the parent-child relationship, take an honest look at the child as he or she is, without comparison, with joy and gratitude for his or her existence; don't start by deducting points from the ideal look, but start from zero.
Part 5
Social consciousness
Social awareness, or "social concern", is the most important indicator when we think about what constitutes a "happy relationship".
What is the "smallest unit of society"? It is "me and you". It only takes two people to form a society, to create a community.
The first step is to transform the obsession with the self into a concern for others, starting with "I and you".
The person who is bound by the need for approval is also extremely self-centred. To what extent do others notice me and what kind of opinion do they give me? That is, to what extent are my needs met ......
First of all, we are part of a community and belong to it. We feel that we have a place in the community. To feel "at home" is to have a sense of belonging, which is a basic human need. Do not think, "What will this person give me?" but rather, "What can I give this person?" This is participation in a community. The sense of community is to see others as partners and to feel that there is a place for you.
How to get a sense of community？
1 Acceptance of self
You don't have confidence in yourself as you are, in your unadorned self, do you? So you want to avoid the relationships you are involved in.
It's not about affirming yourself, it's about accepting yourself.
(Self-affirmation is to suggest that "I can" or "I am strong" when you clearly cannot. This kind of thinking is also connected to a superiority complex, a way of life that cheats oneself.
"Accepting yourself is accepting that you can't do something when you can't, and doing your best to move towards your goal without lying to yourself.
To say to yourself when you get a 60, "I was just unlucky this time, I've got a 100." That's self-affirmation. Conversely, accepting yourself as a sixty and thinking, "What can I do to get closer to a hundred?" This is accepting yourself.
2 Trusting others
Trust others without any conditions.
What you are thinking now is: "Any more unconditional trust in others will only end in betrayal." But it is not you who decides whether to betray or not, that is the subject of others.
"Unconditional trust" is just a "means" to improve relationships and build horizontal relationships. If you don't want to maintain a good relationship with the other person, you can cut it off with a pair of scissors.
It is the fear of being hurt, the desire to avoid pain or sorrow, that ties your hands and prevents you from building a deep relationship with anyone.
Reflection: It is true that it is very difficult to trust people without any strings attached, especially in a society where there are many dangers and where distrust is mostly for protection. The fear of being hurt makes it impossible to trust others and leads to avoidant behaviour.
3 Contribute to others
To act or have some influence on a partner with the expectation of making a contribution. This is "contributing to others".
Contribution to others - sense of contribution - happiness
Part 6
The courage to be ordinary
We have a universal human need for excellence. One of the key ideas in Adlerian psychology is the "courage to be ordinary". If you refuse to accept mediocrity, you are probably equating "mediocrity" with "incompetence", aren't you? Ordinary is not incompetence, but we don't have to boast about our superiority.
Life is a series of moments, live in the present
The life that looks like a line is a series of dots, which means that our lives are a series of moments. A series of moments that become 'now'. We can only live in the 'now'. Our lives exist only in moments. Adults who know nothing of this are trying to impose a 'linear' life on young people.
We should start right now
Adler: "Someone has to start doing it. Even if other people don't cooperate, it's not your problem. That's what I'm suggesting. It should be started by you, without any consideration at all of whether other people are offering assistance." As soon as you change, the surroundings will change with you, and they have to.
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