Part 1
Why it is important to find the courage to be hated and why it is important to think about how to change yourself
Rejecting the theory of cause and adopting the theory of purpose
If the past determines everything, and the past cannot be changed, then we are completely helpless to live our lives in the here and now. It is not good enough to continue to be the "present you" without feeling happy. Don't stop, keep going.
According to Adler, it is not the "experience itself" that defines the self, but the "meaning given to the experience". "It's not what you experience that matters, it's how you use it."
Does clinging to 'what is experienced' make reality change? We are not machines that can be returned or exchanged. What we need is not replacement, but renewal. （System update visuals）
You can't change because you've made up your mind to "not change". Because even if the way you life now is a little inconvenient or unpleasant, is relatively easy to control and easy to maintain.
Your "aim" is to "not get hurt in your relationships". As long as you use misfortune as a weapon to make yourself "special", you will always need this state of misfortune.
What can be done to "change the shape of life"? You have to have the determination to "give up your current life style".
Reflection: After thinking about the reasons at first, I still didn’t know how to improve my close relationship with my parents, so I fell into a state of confusion and started reading this book. I agree that it is useless for us to dwell in the past.
Part 2
All troubles are the troubles of human relationships.
Adler said, "The only way to remove all troubles is to exist alone in the universe." (a lonely planet in the universe)
On the goals revealed by Adler's psychology
Action-Side Objectives:
1. Self-reliance.
2. Live in harmony with the society
The inner goals to support this action:
1. I am capable
2. Everyone is my partner
These goals will be achieved in the face of what Adler calls "the mission of life"
The three tasks of "work tasks", "friendship tasks" and "love tasks" are collectively referred to as "life tasks".
When one lives as a member of society, one has to face relationships directly, which is the task of life. In the sense of "having to face it directly", it is a kind of "task".
Part 3
Separation of subjects (do not seeking approval from others)
First of all, the entrance to interpersonal relationships is "subject separation", with a focus on "social awareness". (Typography of "Exploring a cave", I've been exploring what I can do to improve the intimacy I'm currently habitually avoiding. It's a lot like exploring a cave, with entrances and different passages.)
Why do we need to achieve subject separation?
In Adlerian psychology, the matter of seeking approval from others is denied. We "do not live to meet the expectations of others". "If you don't live your life for yourself, who is going to live it for you?" If you are always looking for the approval of others, if you care about what others think, you will end up living someone else's life. Similarly, if you don't live to meet the expectations of others, then they don't live to meet your expectations either. So you can't get angry when others don't act as you would like them to, because it's only natural.
At the same time, Adlerian psychology strongly condemns the teaching of reward and punishment, because the implementation of reward and punishment leads to a false mentality: "If no one praises me, I will not take appropriate action." , "If no one punishes, act inappropriately."
Parent-child relationships that do not separate the subject
For example, when caring for a child, the child is never able to tie his or her own shoelaces successfully. For a busy mother, it is quicker to offer to help him tie them rather than wait for him to do so. This is intervention, and it deprives the child of the subject. The result of this intervention, repeated again and again, is that the child learns nothing and loses the courage to face life's tasks.
Adler said, "The child who has not learned to face difficulties will dodge all difficulties."
It is also true that the parents of the world often say "it's for your own good". But it is clear that parents are acting for their own purposes, perhaps for decency or vanity, or to satisfy a desire for domination, etc. In other words, it is not "for you" but "for me". It is because the child perceives this deception that he or she will rebound. Can you trust the person if they don't act the way we want them to? Can you still love them?
Reflection: I can relate to the above, I find that my parents are like that, they are very much in the eye of the unexpected or commentary, I grew up with good grades and my parents have always loved to compliment me, but as I grow up the competition gets tougher and I may not do as well at some things as I did as a child, I get very worried about letting my parents down and it makes me I don't have the confidence to say that my parents will love me unconditionally.
How do you deal with separation?
First, think: "Whose subject is this?" Then cut the subject and separate it. Calmly draw the line between where it is your subject and where it starts to be someone else's subject. Next, don't interfere with other people's subjects, and don't let anyone interfere with yours.
Adlerian psychology does not encourage permissiveness. In the case of parent-child relationships, for example, what is called permissiveness is being completely unaware of what the child is doing and not wanting to know. What I am talking about is not that, but the need for parents to know exactly what their child is doing and to be there to watch over him. In the case of reading, let him know in advance that it is his own subject and that if he wants to study hard, you will be there to provide him with the support he needs and to let him know that I am always available to help him when he feels troubled. But never interfere with your child's subject. Don't intervene without your child asking for it.
All you can do about your own life is to "choose the path you think is best". On the other hand, what other people say about your choices is someone else's subject, and you cannot interfere.
Alexander the Great was a Macedonian king active in the fourth century BC. When he went on an expedition to Lydia, a Persian territory, a chariot was worshipped in the local shrine. The chariot was tied to the pillars of the temple by a special and secure knot that the past king, Gordian, had tied, and it was said that "the man who unties this knot will become king of Asia". Many people who thought they could do it came to challenge the knot, but the knot was so strong that no one could untie it. When Alexander the Great saw how strong the knot was, he took out a short sword and cut it off with a single blow. This is what he is said to have said at the time: "It is not by legends that so-called destiny is arranged, but by wielding one's sword to cut it." Meaning, I don't need the power of legends to enchant me at all, it's all up to my own sword to carve out my destiny. As you know, he later became an emperor who dominated the Middle East to West Asia. This is what is known as the "Gordian knot", a famous anecdote.
This intricate knot, like a 'tie' in human relationships, can no longer be untied in the old-fashioned way, but has to be cut in some completely new way. The story of the Gordian knot always comes to mind when I illustrate the 'separation of subjects'.
Reflection: I think the point of subject separation is particularly important for parent-child relationships, as a relationship that is too close makes it easier to bleed into the subjects of others. I think this is a section that parents should definitely read carefully before starting to educate their children.
The courage to be happy includes the "courage to be hated"
It is a natural human desire and urge not to be disliked by others. Kant, the giant of modern philosophy, called such a desire a "disposition", an instinctive, impulsive desire. It would be a mistake to say that it is "free" to follow this inclination, that is, to live one's life in accordance with one's desires or impulses, like a stone rolling down a ramp. That way of life is at best a slave to desires and impulses. True freedom is the attitude of pushing one's rolling self upwards from below.
If you can, you still want to not be hated by anyone and to be able to satisfy the need for approval. But to live a life that is not only very unfree, but also impossible, in order not to be disliked by everyone. To exercise freedom, you have to pay a price.
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